Overly Long and Mind-Numbingly Detailed Garden Report (with photos of totally almost-naked people to keep your interest)
I feel that I must apologize. Here it is, almost summer already, and I’ve not posted a SINGLE page about my garden. I know this is an issue you really care about, so I am really beating myself up for dropping the ball and letting you down. I’m going to make it up to you now, with this Overly Long and Mind-Numbingly Detailed Garden Report. Scattered throughout I will provide pictures of totally almost-naked people. Because.
Spring has come and gone, here in the fair city of Lebanucky, in its usual short-lived explosion. The Spring flowers bloomed every color known to man and then wilted away, crazed lustful birds fought and mated and threw themselves against windows in their ritual Springtime madness, people burst forth from their stale winter quarters and began jiggling their thigh-fat in neon jogging shorts, dogs pissed on hydrants with wild abandon. All over the shared acre behind our house, wild violets spread a dazzling purple blanket. Hawks screamed from the top of the towering old black walnut. Creeping charlie crept up from its winter roots and spread itself out in the green shade of the ivy OH MY GOD AN ASS
You can never start your garden too early, my friends, but actually you can, as evidenced by the fact that I transplanted kale and cabbage from the indoor garden room and it all immediately died from frost. I took my time with the rest, tending to the indoor starts and biding my time until the weather finally gave in. The overwintering perennials were already there: lambs ears, strawberries, and second season garlic, an experiment of mine; in the Sunny garden, oregano and sage. Our daffodils came up along the ivy fence, and mystery bulbs from a friend’s wedding revealed themselves to be red and purple tulips WELL HELLO THERE DAVID BECKHAM
and several types of daffodil. Then the rest of the perennials emerged. Second year daisies and lupine, which I had given up hope of ever blooming, came up stems and leaves. Raspberries, blackberries and black raspberries started leafing out. Next came the cole crops. Broccoli transplants and sugar snap peas from seed went into the Sunny garden, while spinach and beets from seed, and cauliflower, kale and cabbage transplants went into the big garden. Soon thereafter we transplanted red leaf romaine, I say “we” because my hero Mo is doing the garden with me this year! Isn’t that awesome? Because it is a lot to take care of for one gal, people, especially a gal whose eyes are too big for her garden OMG LOOK AT THOSE HUGE – NECKLACE BEADS
to start with and who keeps unnecessarily adding and widening beds every year. It’s pure greed. So anyway, after the lettuce I had my first Big Drag of the season. I always make a little greenhouse tent for sweet potatoes, which I start from cut slips in 5 gallon buckets. They have to be kept warm, you see. But I was lazy and made a lame-ass tent out of plastic that had holes in it, and didn’t keep the potatoes properly watered, so instead of sending up leaves they rotted. So the sweet potatoes were a flop. Every year I kill something. I learn by killing shit, and that’s just how I roll. Luckily I have a fabulous client who bought us sweet potato plants, just to be nice, after I gave her a few tomato plants we didn’t have room for. Next came the herbs, all of which went into the Sunny garden: thyme, more oregano, dill, 11 basil plants HEY THERE WHATCHA LOOKING AT
curly leaf parsley for my mother in law and cilantro/coriander. I have a few footnotes here. Last year I planted the wrong kind of parsley, flat leaf, and although Betty used it, it’s just not the same and I’m kind of proud that I got it right this year. Also, did you know that cilantro, when allowed to go to seed, produces coriander? I am still in awe of that. You can harvest the little pods, store them in a jar and, when you need ground coriander, grind them up with your little wooden mortar and pestle. Yes, I happen to have, and use, a little wooden mortar and pestle SWEET JESUS PUT THAT AWAY
Eventually, to my delirious joy, the daisies and lupine bloomed! Stop looking at the orange penis! I put in zinnias, purple morning glories, mammoth sunflowers, snapdragons, canna lillies, little pansies and one purple salvia, and helped Rocky dig and plant her own little round flower garden. We put in the flowers she had started in the nursery: snapdragons, bunny tails and zinnias, along with bachelors button and a marigold she had gotten as a birthday gift, and the wheatgrass she grew at school. Also new to the garden are two little fairy houses, made of bark, moss, leaves and sticks. The fairies have already moved in; we can tell because the little beds have been slept in. Melissa tilled yet another new bed for tomatoes, and we transplanted 12 or 13 romas and purple heirlooms and 2 cherries (for little Kait upstairs), plus a few banana peppers for Betty. The spinach all died, the broccoli shot up suddenly, then just as suddenly turned to flowers and is done, and the basil got frostbitten and turned yellow but is perking up now NICE BUTTON
Add these to my sad sweet potato attempt and that early mass kale and cabbage murder and that’s all my killing for the Spring season. We’ll have a good crop of kale and cabbage, thanks to subsequent planting of seeds, and tons of lettuce, tomatoes, peas, beets, cabbage, sweet potatoes and herbs, plus what looks to be a ripening bumper crop of berries. Also, it’s mulberry season! The tree out back is already full of them. For three days Rocky and the neighborhood kids were up in a ladder picking and picking, getting me bowls of berries, and then we all sat out under the old walnut and ate mulberry pie. Ry’s feet and clothes are still purple.
Last but not least, my next door neighbor Jason brought home a couple dozen Cabernet grape sticks, and he and I planted them in buckets. I love Cabernet. Regrettably, I no longer drink, but Jason says you can eat the grapes too. Looking back over this post, I’m thinking it may be a good thing that I no longer drink. MAN OF STEEL!!
‘And that, thank god, concludes this Garden Report.